


Welcome to my pawnshop

by deadmemedad



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Canon Gay Character, Check chapter notes for warnings!!, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malcom is an asshole, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is really dumb, What Have I Done, a disaster, agatha is a Big Lesbian, baz bites his icecream, crackfic, groupchat, i hate him, its canon now, send help, simon is unsettled
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:26:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15675252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadmemedad/pseuds/deadmemedad
Summary: Edward Sullen: simon shut your fucvkAgathot: fucvkSighmon: fuvckPen knees: fucvkEdward Sullen: penny where did you even COME FROMPen knees: my “baz made a typo” senses were tingling so I came running.Edward Sullen: this is SLANDER.//Wow this is just a dumb groupchat because this fandom needs more. I'm sorry.





	1. Welcome to the pawnshop

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to hell!!11!!
> 
> I'm sorry in advance, this is pure shit.

**Agathot has added Edward Sullen, Pen knees, and Sighmon into: My Pawnshop** **  
** **  
** _  
_ **My Pawnshop** **  
** **  
** _10:56 am_ **  
** **Agathot:** sup nerds.  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** aren’t you in class,,??  
  
 **Agathot:** aren’t you?  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** you have no proof.  
  
 **Sighmon:** he is  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** simon shut your fucvk  
  
 **Agathot:** fucvk  
  
 **Sighmon:** fuvck  
  
 **Pen knees:** fucvk  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** penny where did you even COME FROM  
  
 **Pen knees:** my “baz made a typo” senses were tingling so I came running.  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** this is SLANDER.  
 **  
**  
 _12:35 pm_ _  
_ _  
_ **Edward Sullen:** I’M FUCKUNJGF CRYIGN  
  
 **Agathot:** was that even English  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** MR. RICHARDS FELL INTO HIS LUNCH TRAY I CAN’T   
HNDKMCJVNS  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** HE’S ANGRILY WALKING OUT COVERED IN MASHED POTATOES I’M ASJHKDXZ  
  
 **Sighmon:** stop bragging that you have first lunch. the rest of us are STARVING in biology  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** oh cry me a table, simon  
  
 **Pen knees:** WHAT DOES THAT EVEN M E A N?  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** hell if I know, Dev said it to me once when he was sleep deprived. he laughed about it for a solid three minutes  
  
 **Agathot:** he’s a dumbass.  
  
 **Sighmon:** wow what a mood **  
** **  
** **Pen knees:** simon you’re in honors classes shut the hell your mouth  
  
 **Sighmon:** yet I still can’t pass my English classes lmaooo  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** maybe because you’re talking to us instead of paying attention smh  
  
 **Sighmon:** shit u rite  
  
 **Pen knees:** that’s what I’ve been telling him for years,,  
  
  
 **Posh Bastards** **  
**  
 _1:54 pm_   
**DevBeverage:** hey baz, a bit distracted at lunch eh??  
  
 **Nialleavemealone:** yeah, what’s up with you man?  
  
 **Nialleavemealone:** it was probably the snow kid  
  
 **DevBeverage:** BET  
  
 **DevBeverage:** HE’S SO RED RIGHT NOW I’M WHEEZINF  
  
 _Photo.png.whipped_ _  
_ _  
_ **Edward Sullen:** why must you two SLANDER ME like this??  
  
 **Nialleavemealone:** because you’re whipped  
  
 **DevBeverage:** because you owe me $50   
  
**DevBeverage:** oh wait was that the wrong answer??  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** leave me to wallow in self pity  
  
 **DevBeverage:** sorry mate, can’t let you do that. you’ve got a physics quiz next period lmaoo  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** FUCK I FORGOT SDJKZ  
  
 **My Pawnshop** **  
** **  
** _2:06 pm_ _  
_ **Sighmon:** I fucking hate physics  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** whole ass mood  
  
 **Pen knees:** sucks to suck I’m in history  
  
 **Agathot:** I got stuck lugging computers around for the sophomores I hate everything  
  
 **Agathot:** wait aren’t you two taking a quiz right now  
  
 **Sighmon:** mayhaps  
  
 **Agathot:** if Mrs. Reed catches you it's over for you two lmfao  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** I’ve already finished so the pain will be less  
  
 **Pen knees:** emotional or physical?  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** why not both  
  
 **Pen knees:** that’s concerning  
  
 **Sighmon:** FINALLY I’M FREE OF THE BULLSHIT  
  
 **Edward Sullen:** we have another quiz next week  
  
 **Sighmon:** MOTHERFUCK  
  
 _2:54 pm_ __  
 **Sighmon:** I’M DECEASED BAZ GOT CAUGHT ON HIS PHONE  
  
 **Agathot:** rest in piss.  
  
 **Pen knees:** ADJSGKBXM


	2. Baz the escapee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baz escapes from prison, Simon realizes he isn't as straight as he thought he was, Penny and Agatha are done.

**My Pawnshop** ****  
****  
_ 3:17 pm _ __   
**Edward Sullen:** so Mr. Minos fell suddenly asleep at his desk do I call 999   
  
**Edward Sullen:** there’s no one else in detention and I’m about to have a stroke someone help   
  
**Edward Sullen:** I know for a fact none of you do after school on wednesdays, and your read receipts are on.   
  
**Pen knees:** fuck.   
  
**Sighmon:** he probably fell asleep because he’s a minotaur   
  
**Pen knees:** he may be incredibly hairy but he isn't a minotaur simon ffs   
  
**Edward Sullen:** so I might have left detention   
  
**Agathot:** baz I swear to god   
  
**Edward Sullen:** I’m dodging the janitor and security cameras lord help me ****  
****  
**Agathot has renamed “Edward Sullen” to “Escaped from prison”** ****  
****  
**Escaped from prison:** for fucks sake   
  
**Pen knees:** lmaoo   
  
**Escaped from prison:** the secretary watched me leave through the front doors and didn’t say anything wtf   
  
**Sighmon:** she’s probably worried you’ll eat her ngl   
  
**Escaped from prison:** I’m not a fuckin vampire sksks   
  
**Sighmon:** you sure do look like one mate    
  
**Sighmon:** I mean vampires are hot so   
  
**Sighmon:** I mean uh   
  
**Escaped from prison:** no I get waht you mean hahha   
  
**Agathot:** he misspelled a word he’s not okay   
  
**Pen knees:** lmaoo   
  
**Agathot:** gayyyy   
  
**Escaped from prison:** shut the fucksdnx up   
  
  
**Posh Bastards** ****  
****  
_ 3:47 pm _ __   
**DevBeverage:** you think that pigeons have feelings   
  
**Nialleavemealone:** dev what are you on mate   
  
**Edward Sullen:** GUYSGUDSHJKXZ   
  
**Edward Sullen:** I’M FUCKING    
  
**DevBeverage:** what did he do now   
  
_ Photo.png.ICANTBREATHE _ __   
__   
**Nialleavemealone:** I agree with him. A hot person who can rip a tree from the ground AND kill me? what a steal   
  
**Edward Sullen:** I’M HAVING A CRISIS   
  
**DevBeverage:** why don’t you just tell him for christ’s sake   
  
**EdwardSullen:** because he’s stRAIGHT AS FUCK??   
  
**Nialleavemealone:** that’s a great joke baz   
  
**Edward Sullen:** I’m serious. We finally put that petty rivalry behind us, I don’t want to ruin this.   
  
**DevBeverage:** whatever you say mate.   
  
  
**Sighmon > Pen knees** ****  
****  
_ 3:47 pm _ __   
**Sighmon:** PENNY   
  
**Sighmon:** PENELOPE   
  
**Sighmon:** I KNOW YOU’RE READING THIS   
  
**Pen knees:** correct. and I’m laughing my ass off   
  
**Sighmon:** WHAT DO I DO   
  
**Pen knees:** I don’t know? You’re straight right?   
  
**Sighmon:** yeah?? but with baz its different. A lot different.   
  
**Sighmon:** like?? whenever he enters a room I get excited, and I can’t calm down. everything he does makes me want to combust, and I don’t know why. every accidental touch makes my knees want to give out and I just want to hold him forever and not let go.    
  
**Sighmon:** oh.   
  
**Sighmon:** oh fuck.   
  
**Pen knees:** there you go champ. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feed me with comments and kudos Blease, I live for them.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at dead-meme-dad  
> I'm also on instagram! @sxturn.kid
> 
> Until next time folks asfdjkksdl


	3. The Midnight Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baz needs to sleep, it gets kinda gay, there's talk of a nightmare dimension. Oh and the gang roasts the south. Enjoy.

**My Pawnshop** ****  
****  
_ 2:42 am _ __   
**Pen knees:** baz why are you posting on snap   
  
**Pen knees:** baz   
  
**Pen knees:** BASILTON   
  
**Agathot:** oh my god shUT UP PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP   
  
**Pen knees:** excuse me for being concerned about our nocturnal friend  ****  
****  
**Sighmon:** y’all what the FUCK   
  
**Agathot:** Y’ALL SKDJKJSDJS   
  
**Pen knees:** y’all’re gettin on mah nerves   
  
**Agathot:** y’all’d’fid’ve SKKDKDK   
  
**Escaped from prison:** christ what is HAPPENING   
  
**Pen knees:** we’re being concerned   
  
**Escaped from prison:** ???? why??   
  
**Agathot:** because it’s we have school later and it’s almost three in the morning?   
  
**Escaped from prison:** wow it’s that late already??    
  
**Sighmon:** WHAT DO YOU MEAN “wow it’s that late already” HOW DO YOU NOT REALIZE THE TIME   
  
**Agathot:** I’m with simon on this one wtf mate   
  
**Escaped from prison:** would you believe me if I said it was for school?   
  
**Pen knees:** no because I know for a fact you finished your work during study hall   
  
**Escaped from prison:** well gang, looks like we got another mystery on our hands!   
  
**Agathot:** don’t meme at us young man   
  
**Escaped from prison:** WE’RE THE SAME AGE    
  
**Sighmon:** can you tell us why you were up before I actually knock you out myself   
  
**Pen knees:** simon you can’t reach him   
  
**Agathot:** hello yes 999?? I just witnessed a fucking murder   
  
**Escaped from sullen:** I did a midnight man challenge and I need to stay up past 3:33 am so I don’t get my organs removed or transported to a nightmare dimension   
  
**Pen knees:** FOR FUCKS SAKE   
  
**Sighmon:** seriously?? you know those aren’t real right   
  
**Escaped from prison:** HE CAN HEAR YOU SHUT THE HELL YOUR MOUTH   
  
**Escaped from prison:** fuck my candle went out I’m finna DIE   
  
**Escaped from prison:** I’m sitting in a salt ring, my dad is going to murder me   
  
_ Photo.png.nodemonsherefolks _ __   
__   
**Sighmon has renamed “Escaped from prison” to “Cryptid hunter”** __   
__   
**Pen knees:** god dammit baz   
  
**Agathot:** I’m going to bed, GOODNIGHT   
  
  
_ 3:15 am _   
**Cryptid hunter:** Mordelia came out of her room and saw me scampering over a chair with a candle in one hand, salt in the other, a broom in the crook of my arm and silently crossed herself   
  
**Cryptid hunter:** highlight of my morning   
  
**Sighmon:** baz go to sleep   
  
**Cryptid hunter:** I can’t he’s gonna steal my organs   
  
**Sighmon:** ffs   
  
  
_ 3:33 am _   
**Cryptid hunter:** I LIVED BITCH   
  
  
_ 7:36 am _ __   
**Agathot:** I’m cryign baz looks so dead   
  
**Pen knees:** did he get transported to the nightmare dimension?   
  
**Agathot:** SKSJKDKJ   
  
  
**Posh Bastards** ****  
****  
_ 9:07 am _ __   
**DevBeverage:** did the Snow kid just give baz a coffee   
  
**Nialleavemealone:** baz is dead on his feet, yet still turns into a tomato when Simon even comes near him. gay disaster.   
  
**Edward Sullen:** i’m havinf a strok e shtu up   
  
**Nialleavemealone:** WHIPPED   
  
  
**Spongebob > Patrick** ****  
****  
_ 9:14 am _ ****  
**Spongebob:** agatha they’re disasters   
  
**Patrick:** you could say that again mate   
  
**Patrick:** you think Dev and Niall deal with the same pining simon throws at us?  ****  
****  
**Spongebob:** WE SHOULD MAKE A GROUP WITH THEM SO WE CAN COMPLAIN   
  
**Patrick:** ABSOLUTELY NOT   
  
  
**Pen knees has added Agathot, DevBeverage and Nialleavemealone into: They’re Disasters.** ****  
****  
****  
**They’re Disasters** ****  
****  
  
__ 9:18 am ****  
**Pen Knees:** welcome to the pining central everyone   
  
**DevBeverage:** bless. we’re gonna help them get together eventually, right?   
  
**Pen knees:** oh definitely.   
  
**Nialleavemealone:** thank god.   
  
**Agathot:** I don’t condone this behavior.   
  
**Pen knees:** come on Agatha, It’ll be great!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> until next time folks.


	4. The sacrifice has been completed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: hey so I leave for a vacation on the seventeenth and come back on the twenty fifth, and I won't be able to write. sad, I know.
> 
> now that that is out of the way, enjoy this mess.
> 
> There's talk of rats, drama club, sacrifices, Sebastian Stan and marriage.

**My Pawnshop** ****  
****  
_ 12:56 pm _ __   
**Cryptid hunter:** CAST LISTS JUST GOT POSTED I’M HAVING A STROKE   
  
**Cryptid hunter:** ALSO YOU ALL MADE IT ONTO CREW   
  
**Cryptid hunter:** good luck with the dungeon   
  
**Sighmon:** whats?? the dungeon??    
  
**Sighmon:** I’m concerned??   
  
**Sighmon:** baz???   
  
**Sighmon:** heLLO?? MISS KEISHA??   
  
  
_ 2:04 pm _ __   
**Cryptid hunter:** sorry about that mate we had an impromptu assembly in the auditorium    
  
**Cryptid hunter:** also the dungeon? hell, that’s what it is lmao good luck   
  
**Agathot:** that's reassuring   
  
**Cryptid hunter:** it shouldn’t be   
  
**Pen knees:** WTF I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR CREW   
  
**Agathot:** I didn’t either   
  
**Sighmon:** lmao I signed us all up you’re welcome   
  
**Pen knees:** i fuckign hate you   
  
**Pen knees:** I’m going to feed you to the rats in my basement   
  
**Agathot:** sacrifice him   
  
**Cryptid hunter:** yes do it, please him   
  
**Sighmon:** whose him   
  
**Sighmon:** oh wait   
  
**Sighmon:** WAIT I DON’T WANT TO BE SACRIFICED TO SATAN   
  
**Pen knees:** too late

******Pen knees:** I’ve already set up the circle  
  
 **Agathot:** with your boyfriend?? ;)))  
  
 **Pen knees:** looks like I’m sacrificing two people, any other contenders?  
  
 **Cryptid hunter has renamed “Pen knees” to “Satanic Overlord”** **  
** **  
** **Satanic Overlord:** yes  
  
 **Satanic Overlord:** the sacrifice has been completed  
  
 **Agathot:** finally, my dream  
  
 **Cryptid hunter:** concerning   
  
**Agathot:** when am I not  
  
 **Cryptid hunter:** shit u rite, u rite  
  
 **Agathot:** that’s what I thot  
  
 **Agathot:** bitch  
  
 **Satanic Overlord:** skjskkdsj thot I’m cryign  
  
 **Sighmon:** congrats you made satan cry  
  
 **Cryptid hunter:** someone make an award  
  
 **Sighmon:** I got this  
  
 **Satanic Overlord:** Simon you have the craft skills of a left handed toddler tripping on LSD  
  
 **Cryptid hunter:** ASDFGJKSLKZSJDLKZ  
  
 **Agathot:** OBLITERATED   
  
**Agathot:** SOMEONE CALL 999 SIMON JUST WENT UP IN FLAMES  
  
 **Cryptid hunter:** HE’S STARING AT HIS PHONE IN SHOCK I’M WHEEZING  
  
 _Photo.png.FUCKINGOBLITERATED_ _  
_ _  
_ **Sighmon:** I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS  
  
 **Agathot:** thot*  
  
 **Sighmon:** shutthefuckup  
  
 **Agathot:** I enjoy talking  
  
 **Agathot:** bitch  
  
 **Sighmon:** wow you bring this blatant DISRESPECT into MY HOME  
  
 **Cryptid hunter:** I can’t breathe this is how I die isn’t it  
  
 **Satanic Overlord:** one more skin husk to sweep into the incinerator   
  
**Cryptid hunter:** what the fuck  
  
 **Agathot:** SKSKDKKDKD  
  
 **Agathot has renamed “Cryptid hunter” to “Incinerated”** **  
** **  
** **Incinerated:** I hope you’re proud of yourself agatha   
  
**Agathot:** agathot* omg educate yourself  
  
 **Sighmon:** remember when sebastian stan got absolutely fucked over by that one group of fans  
  
 **Incinerated:** how dare they disrespect my husband like that  
  
 **Sighmon:** wow I see how it is, you’re cheating on me  
  
 **Incinerated:** wait I didn’t mean it  
  
 **Sighmon:** no it’s too late, I’m taking the kids  
  
 **Incinerated:** no wait come back ily  
  
  
 **Spongebob >> Patrick ****  
****  
**__2:47 pm   
**Spongebob:** you think baz is using that to cope  
  
 **Patrick:** definitely  
  
 **Spongebob:** BET

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> until next time folks :^)


	5. Agatha play despacito

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rats, Penny and Simon plot murder, Baz is an absolute mess. The usual

**My Pawnshop** **  
** **  
** _ 1:57 am _ _   
_ **Satanic Overlord:** THERE’S A FUCKIGN RAT IN MY BEDROOM   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** WHAT DO I DO SOMOENE HELP   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** IT’S STARING AT ME WITH IT’S BEADY LITTLE EYES I’M UNSETTLED   
  
**Sighmon:** somoene   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** I’M LITERALLY HAVING A CRISIS AND THAT’S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT   
  
**Incinerated:** this is so sad agatha p   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** don’t say it   
  
**Incinerated:** lay despacito   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** I’ll stab you in the throat with a spork   
  
**Incinerated:** A) please do I crave the sweet release. B) you can’t reach my neck penny.   
  
**Sighmon:** blease don’t die   
  
**Incinerated:** too late lmao    
  
**Agathot:** DESPACITO   
  
**Agathot has renamed “Agathot” to “Plays Despacito”** **  
** **  
** **Plays Despacito:** :)))   
  
**Incinerated:** you ever just regret    
  
**Satanic Overlord:** all the time mate   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** SHIT THE RAT IS GONE   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** FUCK FUCK FUCK FUC K   
  
**Incinerated:** my minions are coming for you   
  
**Sighmon has renamed “Incinerated” to “Rat God”** **  
** **  
** **Rat God:** how can I be the god of myself   
  
**Plays Despacito:** wow mood   
  
**Sighmon:** you aren’t?? A rat?? What the Fuck??   
  
**Rat God:** HAAAAJKFHSJK nice one   
  
**Rat God:** anyway I’m going to sleep, I’ve got a chemistry quiz later    
  
**Plays Despacito:** night ratthew   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** night ratthew :)   
  
**Sighmon:** bye ratthew!   
  
**Rat God:** this is homophobia in the worst form   
  
**Plays Despacito:** wouldn’t be when chris decked you   
  
**Plays Despacito:** wait   
  
**Rat God:** oh boy here we go   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** whAT?? GHE FUC K??    
  
**Sighmon:** WHa T   
  
**Rat God:** agatha   
  
**Plays Despacito:** i’M SORRY I THOUGHT THEY KNEw   
  
  
_ 10:56 am _ _   
_ **Rat God:** does chris being led to the nurse with a bloody nose have anything to do with any of you   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** mayhaps   
  
**Rat God:** penny,, for fucks sake if you get suspended because of this   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** how many other guys were with him   
  
**Rat God:** what makes you think there was more than one?   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** i’ve seen you fight before baz, one guy wouldn’t have fucked you up that bad   
  
**Rat God:** there were four of them?? I don’t bloody know, I couldn’t see.   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** four? jesus christ. why didn’t you tell the rest of us??   
  
**Rat God:** I handled it.    
  
**Rat God:** I only texted agatha to come pick me up since I didn’t trust myself driving home   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** I’ll murder them, I swear.   
  
**Rat God:** don’t blease   
  
**Sighmon:** FOUR OF TGHEM?!   
  
**Rat God:** eloquent Snow.   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** do you know who the rest of them were?   
  
**Rat God:** I think they might’ve been Damien and one of his cronies? Again, I couldn't see that well   
  
**Sighmon:** god I hate him even more now    
  
**Plays Despacito:** we’ll get him and the rest of the pricks suspended one day I swear   
  
**Rat God:** they’ve all got ties to the school system, it’s corrupt as fuck   
  
**Sighmon:** ffs how have they not listened to the many complaints yet   
  
**Rat God:** beats me   
  
**Rat God:** anyway I’ve gotta take a quiz now, bye gays   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** don’t you mean guys   
  
**Rat God:** did I fucking stutter   
  
  
_ 12:45 pm _ _   
_ **Rat God:** damien won’t stop staring at me from across the cafeteria I’m about to fling food at him   
  
**Sighmon:** flip him off   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** flip him off   
  
**Sighmon:** DRIFT   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** DRIFTTTT   
  
**Plays Despacito:** how about No   
  
**Rat God:** too late lmao   
  
_ Photo.png.fuckoff _ _   
_ _   
_ **Rat God:** he’s so red I’m losing my SHIT   
  
**Plays Despacito:** do you have a death wish   
  
**Rat God:** yes   
  
**Plays Despacito:** I’m not surprised   
  
**Sighmon:** please don’t die who will I tease then   
  
**Rat God:** aww, you do care   
  
**Sighmon:** hAH no I don T   
  
**Plays Despacito:** ffs just fuck already, the tension is killing us   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** please, before we die   
  
**Sighmon:** ;) aye baz c’mere   
  
**Rat God:** shyt the fukc up snow   
  
**Sighmon:** ;))))   
  
_ Rat God has gone offline _ _   
_ __   
**Satanic Overlord:** HAAAHAHASDJ you killed him   
  
**Plays Despacito:** go comfort your boyfriend simon   
  
**Sighmon:** I wish   
  
**Sighmon:** WAIT

****  
**Sighmon:** WIPE THE CHAT  
  
 **Sighmon:** AGATHA  
  
 **Plays Despacito:** ugh fine you’re no fun  
  
 **Plays Despacito has wiped the chat** **  
** **  
** **Plays Despacito:** happy now simon  
  
 **Sighmon:** thank you jesus  
  
  
 **Patrick >> Spongebob** **  
** _  
_ __1:00 pm **  
** **Spongebob:** please tell me you screenshotted that  
  
 **Patrick:** well duh  
  
 **Spongebob:** BLESS  
  
 **Spongebob:** agatha you’re the best  
  
 **Patrick:** I know  
  
 **Spongebob:** how did I know you were gonna say that  
  
 **Patrick:** because I’m agatha and I say things like that all the time??  
  
 **Spongebob:** shit u rite, u rite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait, I'm back from vacation! I start school on Thursday though, so until I figure out a schedule uploads will be sporadic and unplanned. Sorry!


	6. This is twinkphobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twinkphobia, aquariums, spooky time. it gets gay.

**My Pawnshop** **  
****  
**_9:14 am_ _  
_**Sighmon:** did you know that when whales have sex there's a third whale that holds them up  
  
**Plays Despacito:** good morning to everyone but simon  
  
**Sighmon:** wow disrespect  
  
**Plays Despacito:** simon you need a name change  
  
**Sighmon:** wh  
  
**Plays Despacito has renamed “Sighmon” to “Thoticus Prime”**   
  
**Rat God:** guys it’s saturday why are you up so early  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** baz,, dude,, it’s nine?? In the morning??  
  
**Rat God:** wow it really DO be like that sometimes

  
**Satanic Overlord:** you stayed up late didn’t you   
  
**Rat God:** and what about it   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** dammit   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** what was it this time? Organ stealers?? Undead babies??   
**  
** **Rat God:** uhhh is stress a valid answer   
  
**Plays Despacito:** n,, nno?? are you?? okay??   
  
**Rat God:** time has turned into a thick mush, the universe no longer exists, my bones have turned to ash   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** dammit thanos   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** simon shut the hell your mouth   
  
**Plays Despacito:** baz,, what the Fuck   
  
**Rat God:** I am Unsure   
  
**Rat God:** I fell asleep at like,, four in the morning lmao   
  
**Rat God:** I can hear colors and taste sound   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** yo what does the iconic “iT’S FINE” from the mean girls musical taste like   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** don’t encourage this penny   
  
**Rat God:** tastes like highschool pain   
  
**Plays Despacito:** valid   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** baz go back to bed bby   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** I mean,,   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** y’know I stand by what I said. husband get ur ASS back to bed   
  
**Rat God:** you’re not my dad   
  
**Plays Despacito:** damn three memes in one conversation, he’s really out of it   
  
**Rat God:** and WHAT ABOUT IT   
  
**Plays Despacito:** four   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** STOP ENCOURAGING THIS   
  
**Plays Despacito:** y’all hear something   
  
**Rat God:** lmfaooo   
  
**Satanic Overlord:** baz get your twink ass to BED

  
**Plays Despacito:** JDJSKSJFDKLJAKSD   
  
**Rat God:** wow this is twinkphobia   
  
**Rat God has renamed “Satanic Overlord” to “Twinkphobic”** **  
** **  
** **Twinkphobic:** I give up   
  
**Rat God:** me trying to get a healthy sleeping schedule   
  
**Plays Despacito:** damn wtf you so LOUD for   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** agatha I know for a fact you’re in bed at ten pm on the dot every night shut the fuck   
  
**Plays Despacito:** and what about it   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** smh I’ve given up   
  
**Rat God:** me looking at my mental stability   
  
**Twinkphobic:** baz,,   
  
**Rat God:** you think I can patch up the holes with FLEX TAPE, THE SUPER-STRONG WATERPROOF ADHESIVE   
  
**Plays Despacito:** JDFJKSDJS BASILTON   
  
**Rat God has renamed “Rat God” to “Phil Swift”** **  
** **  
** **Phil Swift:** my final form   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** baz get to bed before I crawl in through your window and force your noodle ass to sleep   
  
**Plays Despacito:** kinky   
  
**Twinkphobic:** jkfsjsdkjl agathA   
  
**Phil Swift:** I’m chokign   
  
**Plays Despacito:** kinky x2   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** agatha shut   
  
**Plays Despacito:** no u   
  
**Phil Swift:** if I sleep now I’ll wake up late and then I won’t be tired later. endless cycle of Hell   
  
**Twinkphobic:** s,, set an alarm?   
  
**Phil Swift:** I may or may not sleep through them   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** I GIVE UP   
  
_Phil Swift is typing…_ _  
_ _  
_ **Thoticus Prime:** don’t do it   
  
**Phil Swift:** me looking at myself in the mirror   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** god dammit   
  
**Phil Swift:** hey gays let's all go as flex tape for halloween   
  
**Twinkphobic:** it’s.. It’s september??   
  
**Phil Swift:** and   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** and   
  
**Phil Swift:** dare I say   
  
**Phil Swift:** DRIFT   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** DRIFT   
  
**Plays Despacito has renamed the chat to “spooky scary thots”** **  
** **  
** **Plays Despacito:** it’s spooky season   
  
**Twinkphobic:** IT’S SEPTEMBER   
  
**Plays Despacito:** exactly   
  
**Plays Despacito:** spooky season   
  
**Plays Despacito:** baz, simon, couples costume no w   
  
**Phil Swift:** wwha t   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** hell yeah bazzy boi it’s happening   
  
**Phil Swift:** please never call me that   
  
**Phil Swift:** ever   
  
**Thoticus Prime has renamed “Phil Swift” to “Bazzy Boi”** **  
** **  
** **Bazzy Boi:** friendship terminated   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** no wait come back I beg of you   
  
**Plays Despacito:** wait for it   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** then beg   
  
**Plays Despacito:** there it is   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** WOW DISRESPECT   
  
**Plays Despacito:** lmaoo   
  
_  
_ _12:48 pm_ _  
_ **Plays Despacito:** gays there’s an aquarium,, like an hour away we’re GOING   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** damn I’m still in bed   
  
**Plays Despacito:** baz what the FUCK   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** leave me alone I’m feeling Edgy   
  
**Twinkphobic:** I’m with agatha baz wtf   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** aqUARIUM??   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** I’m already dressed nerds this is HAPPENING lets fuckinf GO   
  
**Twinkphobic:** that was quick   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** I fuckinf love aquariums   
  
**Plays Despacito:** hey simon first date idea xoxo   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** hdjfdkfjnk   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** agath a wh ta the fuc K   
  
**Plays Despacito:** :))   
  
**Twinkphobic:** agatha stop slandering them   
  
**Plays Despacito:** ur not my dad   
  
**Twinkphobic:** simon don’t say it   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** daddy*   
  
**Twinkphobic:** god dammit   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** gays am I picking you all up or   
  
**Plays Despacito:** yes, drive us PEASANT   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** okay looks like I’m not picking up agatha. penny, simon, be ready for 1:45   
  
**Plays Despacito:** wow DISRESPECT.   
  
  
_1:54 pm_ _  
_ **Plays Despacito:** DID YOU JUST DRIVE PAST MY HOUSE   
  
**Thoticus Prime:** we’re turning around don’t panic   
  
**Plays Despacito:** GOOD.   
  
**Twinkphobic:** kdjdjsjj   
  
  
_6:32 pm_ _  
_ **Twinkphobic:** that was   
  
**Plays Despacito:** amazing??

 **Twinkphobic:** yes that   
  
**Bazzy Boi:** I fuckign love aquariums   
  
_Photo.png.thisfishisamood_ _  
__  
_**Thoticus Prime:** when did you get that photo,,??  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** when the three of you LEFT ME STRANDED in the deep sea wing  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** WE THOUGHT YOU CAME WITH US  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** I TOLD YOU I HAD TO TIE MY SHOE  
  
**Twinkphobic:** GAYS SHUT THE FUCK UP  
  
**Thoticus:** you’re not my DAD  
  
**Twinkphobic:** I AM NOW  
  
  
**Thoticus Prime >>> Plays Despacito** **  
****  
**_6:40 pm_ _  
_**Thoticus Prime:** agatha i’m having a gay crisis help m e  
  
**Plays Despacito:** is it about that photo of baz you took  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** yOU SAW ME TAKE THAT  
  
**Plays Despacito:** ah. so you admit it  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** bitch  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** but yes  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** it was?? Beautiful and everything was blue?? he was so awestruck?? I want to marry his ass?? I just,, AAAAAA  
  
**Plays Despacito:** whoomp there it is.  
  
  
**They’re Disasters** **  
**_6:47_ _  
_**Plays Despacito:** I bring gifts !!  
  
_Photo.png.dumbass_ _  
__  
_**Plays Despacito:** context: we went to an aquarium today and simon snapped a photo of Baz looking at a turtle  
  
**Nialleavemealone:** ngl that’s a good photo  
  
**Plays Despacito:** ikr,, a photography icon   
  
**DevBeverage:** he’s so whipped  
  
**Plays Despacito:** now you know our pain. we deal with this shit DAILY.   
  
**DevBeverage:** F

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa!! school has been kicking my metaphorical NUTS, I'm sorry!! 
> 
> The name has been changed, I repeat, the name has been changed!! holy fuck


	7. You look like chicken little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If someone can help me figure out why the FUCK the bottom portion of this fic turns bold when I copy and paste PLEASE HELP I'm fucking SICK of editing it by hand jksal

**spooky scary thots** **  
****  
**_12:01 am_ _  
_**Bazzy Boi:**[ **https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du-TY1GUFGk**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du-TY1GUFGk)  
  
**Plays Despacito:** GO TO BED  
  
**Plays Despacito:** WE HAVE SCHOOL TODAY  
  
**Plays Despacito:** G O  T O  B E D  
  
**Twinkphobic:** rip vine  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** rip vine  
  
**Plays Despacito:** DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM WTF  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** my name is Michael with a B and I’ve been afraid of insects my whole life  
  
**Twinkphobic:** stop stop stop  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** what  
  
**Twinkphobic:** where’s the B  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** thERE’S A BEE??  
  
**Plays Despacito:** I can’t even  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** agatha is the vine of the girl crying until someone says “apple”  
  
**Twinkphobic:** GLJDSKAL  
  
**Plays Despacito:** okay  
  
**Plays Despacito:** listen  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** LMAO  
  
**Plays Despacito:** STOP saying I look like chicken little!  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** he’s DUMB, and he’s a COWARD. And I am NOT A COWARD!!

_  
_ **Bazzy Boi:** hey simon  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** yea  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** u look like chicken little  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** WHATGHEFUCK  
  
**Plays Despacito:** I’M CRYIGN  
  
**Twinkphobic:** JKDSALHSLK  
  
**Twinkphobic:** baz is the “i made a hat that's powered by sadness!” one  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** you’re not wrong  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** At night I  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** think about how much I hate myself, and then I-  
  
**Twinkphobic:** OUIJKFDS MY FAVORITE VINE  
  
**Twinkphobic:** hi my name is chelsea, what’s your favorite dinner food?  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** FFFFJKSDL  
  
**Plays Despacito:** okay campers we’re gonna play something called the name game, you go first!  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** my name is SHAKAOOFKA and my dad knows god.  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** hijdsklds fuc k  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** who the fuck doesn't know how to flush the toilet after they’ve had a SHET  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** it wasn’t me!  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** WELL IT WAS FOCKIN ONEA YOUS, DISGOSTANG  
  
**Plays Despacito:** MY FAVORITE SNSJFK  
  
**Plays Despacito:** wait  
  
**Plays Despacito:** FAKE KNIFE PART TWO  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** WHY WOULD U KILL HIM LIKE THAT  
  
**Plays Despacito:** you’re next  
  
**Twinkphobic:** can i get a waffle  
  
**Twinkphobic:** can i PLEASE get a waffle  
  
**Plays Despacito:** us watching baz push simon down that flight of stairs  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** his issue with gravity, not mine  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** YOU LITERALLY S H O V E D ME DOWN STAIRS  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** I don’t recall  
  
**Plays Despacito:** jfjjfdjjsdkfds  
  
**Twinkphobic:** bASILTON  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** whose she  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** I only know  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** gay and sad  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** do you need like  
  
**Plays Despacito:** a hug or  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** I haven’t gotten a fuckin hug in UHHHH like three years  
  
**Bazzy Boi:** we’re all good though  
  
**Plays Despacito:** I’m fuckin hugging you when I see you next you beansprout headass  
  
**Twinkphobic has renamed “Bazzy Boi” to “Beansprout Headass”**  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** that’s how agaytha shows her love. charming  
  
**Plays Despacito:** AGAYTHA JSKDJLHKS THAT’S GREAT  
  
  
_10:04 am_ _  
_ **Twinkphobic:** can someone tell me why we all evacuated for a fire alarm while its RAINING  
  
**Plays Despacito:** hell if I KNOW BUT I’M PISSED  
  
**Twinkphobic:** I’M GETTING M O I S T  
  
**Plays Despacito:** never say that again  
  
**Twinkphobic:** moist  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** can confirm one of the cooks left a napkin on a burner and then turned on the wrong burner when trying to cook lunch  
  
**Plays Despacito:** how do you know  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** cook pritchard needed help  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** you’re tellinh me I freakef the fukc out over a fuckin,, NAPKIN  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** you good??  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** enouhg  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** your typing is fucked are you GOOD  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** hands,, shakinf  
  
**Plays Despacito:** I still haven’t hugged you yet now I need to double hug you  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** don’t we all have same lunch now that the study halls got moved?  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** we do don’t we?? wack  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** FINALLY WE’RE GOING INSIDE  
  
**Plays Despacito:** i’m comin to hug your ass basilton just you wait  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** oh joy  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** jsdfk  
  
**Twinkphobic has renamed “Plays Despacito” to “Comin to hug ass”** **  
** **  
** **Comin to hug ass:** I’m not even mad because it’s true. I DO hug ass.  
  
**Twinkphobic:** and this is why the English language is now cancelled!  
  
**Comin to hug ass:** sis you’re CANCELLED!  
  
**Twinkphobic:** shut the fuck UP  
  
**Comin to hug ass:** and THATS the tea!  <333  
  
**Comin to hug ass:** sister SHNAPPED! An ICON!  
  
**Twinkphobic:** please,, stop,, think of the children,,  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** what children  
  
**Twinkphobic:** baz  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** I’M THE SAME A G E AS MOST OF YOU  
  
**Twinkphobic:** I don’t recall  
  
**Beansproud Headass:** I mean  
  
**Twinkphobic:** have we ever celebrated your birthday before??  
  
**Beansprout Headass:** the only one who gives a shit is mordelia LMAO  
  
**Thoticus Prime:** not anymore we all care now  
  
**Comin to hug ass:** I mean

  
**Twinkphobic:** agatha shut the fuck  
  
**Comin to hug ass:** okay jeez **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** thanks gays **  
  
Twinkphobic: ** no problem ratthew **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** I thought we were past the ratthew **  
  
Twinkphobic: ** never, ratthew lives on forever **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** my legacy, wonderful. Just what I want to be remembered as,, fuckign ratthew **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** :)) **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** *eyeroll emoji* **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** you,, you typed it out instead of actually using the emoji,, why,, **  
  
Beansprout Headass:** I don’t recall,, **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** wh,,WHAT **  
  
  
_12:15 pm_** _  
_**Thoticus Prime:** baz I saw that trip **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** you dropped your fork **  
  
Twinkphobic: ** fork got dropped **  
  
Comin to hug ass: ** F :(( **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** I hope you all enjoy slandering me like this **  
  
Comin to hug ass: ** we do **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** no hug for you then bitch **  
  
Comin to hug ass: ** how will you stop me? **  
  
  
_12:22_** _  
_**Thoticus Prime:** is that baz holding his hand to agatha’s forehead while she tries to hug him or **  
  
Twinkphobic: ** OHMYGOD IT IS **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** classic **  
  
  
_12:25_** _  
_**Beansprout Headass:** have you learned your lesson agatha **  
  
Comin to hug ass: ** WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** :)) **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** agatha you’re short **  
  
Comin to hug ass:** OKAY **  
  
Comin to hug ass: ** LISTEN HERE BEANPOLE **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** BEANPOLE JDJJSDJ **  
  
Twinkphobic: ** cursed  
**  
Beansprout Headass: ** am I a beanpole or am I a beansprout make up your mind agaytha **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** you’re a **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** uhhh **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** use your words **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** SSSHUT UP I’M THINKING **  
  
Thoticus Prime: ** you’re a fuckin UHHHH sproutpole **  
  
Beansprout Headass: ** eloquent. **  
  
Twinkphobic: ** his plantsona **  
  
Comin to hug ass: ** JFDHSFKDJ CURSED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha can you tell I actually had no ideas for this monstrosity??


	8. The goblin has risen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since the wiki mentions nothing about sibling names, I made up my own lmao. Robin and Morgan are the two toddler sisters, and Carter is the demon spawn of a baby.

**spooky scary thots**

 

_ 12:36 am _

**comin to hug ass:** one two buckle my shoe

 

**comin to hug ass:** three four shut the door

 

**comin to hug ass:** five six pick up sticks

 

**comin to hug ass:** seven eight 

 

**comin to hug ass:** ITS FREE REAL ESTATE

 

**Thoticus Prime:** Agatha shut

 

**Beansprout Headass:** no let her finish

 

**Thoticus Prime:** so why are the two of you awake?

 

**Beansprout Headass:** why are YOU awake?

 

**Thoticus Prime:** I asked you first

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I asked you second 

 

**Twinkphobic:** Christ get a ROOM already 

 

**comin to hug ass:** penny!!

 

**Twinkphobic:** it is I

 

**Twinkphobic:** also why the Fuck are all of you awake?

 

**comin to hug ass:** Netflix

 

**Twinkphobic:** I expected nothing less

 

**Thoticus Prime:** science quiz,, gotta study 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** that’s on Wednesday?? It’s Sunday??

 

**Thoticus Prime:** and what about it 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** never mind

 

**Beansprout Headass:** the goblin won’t stop crying and everyone is sleeping through it but I don’t feel like getting up and making it worse so I’m waiting until he tires himself out

 

**Beansprout Headass:** it’s been half an hour I can hear him wailing from down the hall 

 

**comin to hug ass:** what if he needs help?! what if he fell out of his crib??!

 

**Beansprout Headass:** so be it 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** basilton go check on your brother 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** fine jfc if I get murdered by the midnight man it’s your fault snow 

 

**Twinkphobic:** so we’re back to that again now??

 

**Beansprout Headass:** and what about it 

 

**comin to hug ass:** BAZ. GO CHE Ck

 

**comin to hug ass:** NNOW

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I’M GOING JEEZ 

  
  


_ 1:58 am _

**Beansprout Headass:** I’m going to strangle,, him,,

 

**Beansprout Headass:** the bear sitting on the toy chest thing in his room had a jacket over it, right?

 

**Beansprout Headass:** he was crying because it looked like a demon 

 

**Twinkphobic:** cryptid encounter 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** god I wish 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I think he’s asleep now. I left before anyone woke up and caught me lurking around his room

 

**Thoticus Prime:** now go sleep bby 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I should 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** as your husband I command thee to get your ass to Dreamtown 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** thee? is this the 1600s??

 

**comin to hug ass:** I was born in the wrong generation. I wish I was born in the 1300s where there was no clean water or electricity, and everyone died of the plague.

 

**Twinkphobic:** wow mood 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** HE’S CRYING AGAIN

 

**Beansprout Headass:** FUCK

 

**Beansprout Headass:** now I have to get up AGAIN I was finally WARM under the blankets smh 

 

**comin to hug ass:** go check! he could be hurt this time!

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I’m going I’m going SHEESH

  
  
  


_   If Mordelia were to be honest, it was the crying that woke her up, not her sudden desire for a glass of water. Kicking the covers off of her roughly she slid off of her bed, arms extended above her head as she stretched, mouth open wide in a large yawn. It was too early for this. How Father didn’t hear him wailing was still confusing to her.  _

 

_  Light, quiet footsteps carried her across the creaking floorboards of her bedroom. She stepped out into the hallway, squeezing through her door.  _

 

_   Halfway to her younger brother’s room was when she heard it, quiet enough that she almost missed it. Almost. Her ears hadn’t started to betray her just yet.  _

 

_   A soft melody filtering through the open door, filling the space around her. Was there a radio still on somewhere? Father sometimes forgot to shut it off before he went to bed. Curious, Mordelia crept closer to the door, footsteps silent against the carpet that lined the hallway.  _

 

_   She heard it clearly now. Someone was in the room with Carter, singing to him. Maybe Father was awake. But he didn’t sing. At least, not to Mordelia’s knowledge. She tended to stay out of his business. She peered around the doorway, squinting to make out the figures in the room. _

 

_   Baz was pacing around the room, Carter cradled gently in his arms while he sang to him, effectively calming him down.  _

 

_   Baz sang? This was news to her. Big news, if she were being honest with herself.  _

 

_   She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, listening to her older brother sing, but it was long enough for the melody to start making her tired too. She found it hard to keep her eyes open, and how early in the morning it was definitely was not helping at all. The door creaked beneath the hand resting on the doorway. Baz’s head shot up, and Mordelia was unsure if he saw her before she darted away, back pressed against the wall, body melting into the darkness of the hallway.  _

 

_   Mordelia waited there until she saw Baz exit Carter’s room, closing the door behind him gently. She waited until his footsteps faded down the hall and until she heard the click of his own door closing behind him. A dopey, tired smile began to split her face in two as she tiptoed past Baz’s room to enter her own.  _

 

_   She would be lying if she said she didn’t turn the radio up just a bit louder than needed when Baz’s favorite song came on, and Mordelia certainly didn’t lie.   _

 

_  If Baz saw her that night, he didn’t say anything to her the next morning, and who was she to ask him about it?  _

  
  


_ 2:30 am _

**Beansprout Headass:** he’s finally ASLEEP Jesus Christ that took longer than I expected. 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I had to sing to the demon. jokes on you, tiny idiot, you fell asleep to MCR

 

**Twinkphobic:** I’m not surprised 

 

**comin to hug ass:** none of us are at this point, penny

 

**Beansprout Headass:** okay first of all 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** you’re NOT wrong 

 

**comin to hug ass:** I’m never wrong 

 

_ Beansprout Headass is typing… _

 

**comin to hug ass:** basilton I swear to GOD

 

**Beansprout Headass:** “trust me I’m a science.. science man.. sciencer,, SCIENTIST. I’M A SCIENTIST.”

 

**Beansprout Headass:** “what’s 2 x 2?? five? ..WAIT-”

 

**Twinkphobic:** “weeds are just boneless lettuce.”

 

**Thoticus Prime:** “drop bears ARE real!”

 

**comin to hug ass:** I GET IT

 

**Beansprout Headass:** compelling evidence states otherwise Agaytha

 

**comin to hug ass:** can’t believe you’d DISRESPECT the president like this

 

**Beansprout Headass has renamed “comin to hug ass” to “The President”**

 

**The President:** glad you know your place 

 

**The President:** peasant 

 

**Beansprout Headass has renamed “The President” to “Not The President”**

 

**Not The President:** SON OF A BITCH.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was no bold issue today, bless. sorry for such a late update!
> 
> also me, using the Goblin(tm) as an excuse to write baz singing? more likely than you think.


	9. [Bones rattle in the distance]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOOOOOOOKY

**spooky scary thots**

 

_ 12:00 am _

**Beansprout Headass:** [ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XTgFtxHhCQ0 ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XTgFtxHhCQ0)

 

**Not The President:** [ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XTgFtxHhCQ0 ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XTgFtxHhCQ0)

 

**Twinkphobic:** [ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XTgFtxHhCQ0 ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XTgFtxHhCQ0)

 

**Thoticus Prime:** [ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XTgFtxHhCQ0 ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XTgFtxHhCQ0)

 

**Beansprout Headass:** HAH get fucked everyone, I was the most prepared

 

**Not The President:** okay how did we all send the exact same video??

 

**Twinkphobic:** drift

 

**Not The President:** drift!!

 

**Thoticus Prime:** okay so we’re all meeting up right

 

**Beansprout Headass:** Simon,, we’re teenagers,, no one will Feed Us

 

**Thoticus Prime:** with that attitude they won’t!

 

**Twinkphobic:** ajdhdjdjsknsl he’s right though, no one will give us anything, especially baz.

 

**Beansprout Headass:** hey!! 

 

**Twinkphobic:** what you get for being TALL AS HELL

 

**Beansprout Headass:** DON’T BLAME THIS ON GENETICS PENELOPE 

 

**Twinkphobic:** FIGHT ME TYRANNUS

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I WILL

 

**Not The President:** MOM DAD STOP FIGHTING

 

**Not The President:** Simon I will end y

 

**Thoticus Prime:** daddy*

 

**Not The President:** great news! English is now cancelled! we all speak in Morse code now!!

 

**Beansprout Headass:** ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / -- . / .. -. / - .... . / .- ... ... / -.-. .- ..- ... . / .. / .-.. --- ...- . / .--- . ... ..- ... -.-.--

 

**Twinkphobic:** BASILTON.

 

**Beansprout Headass:** .--. . -. .. ... -.-.--

 

**Beansprout Headass:** alright I’m done those are the only two things I memorized when we took that class

 

**Twinkphobic:** why are those the only two things, why not something useful like your name or SOS?? those two things, of all phrases,,

 

**Beansprout Headass:** you wound me penny 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** apparently Jesus is too if you know what I mean

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I AM DISGUSTED, I AM REVOLTED, I DEDICATE MY ENTIRE LIFE TO OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET??

 

**Thoticus Prime:** dedicate you say

  
  


**Patrick >> Spongebob **

 

_ 12:30 am _

**Patrick:** I bet simon wishes he was Jesus right about now

 

**Spongebob:** I will pay you to shut the fuck up

  
  


**spooky scary thots**

 

_ 12:32 am _

**Not The President:** so whose house are we marathoning spooky movies at

 

**Twinkphobic:** mine?? just bring whatever movies I guess

 

_ Beansprout Headass is typing… _

 

**Twinkphobic:** we’re not watching nightmare before Christmas baz

 

**Beansprout Headass:** wow this blatant disrespect is uncalled for 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** fine I’ll bring something else 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** bring frankenweenie pls I’ll love you forever if you do 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** baz??

 

**Thoticus Prime:** hello??

 

**Not The President:** oh my fuckin god he fuckin dead 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I’m here sorry 

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I’ll bring it over if I can find it there’s a bit of a mess 

 

**Not The President:** [punctuation has left the chat]

 

**Beansprout Headass:** voice text I’m carrying something 

  
  


**Lesbian Solidarity >> Gay Solidarity **

 

_ 12:40 am _

**Lesbian Solidarity:** you’re not using voice to text are you

 

**Gay Solidarity:** I’m having an aneurysm Agatha help me out here Simon fucking SNOW said he’d love me forever!!! 

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** I have a solution!

 

**Gay Solidarity:** WHAT IS IT please help 

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** ask him out!

 

**Gay Solidarity:** are you INSANE AGATHA 

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** no but I think you are 

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** baz this pining isn’t good for you

 

**Gay Solidarity:** you think I don’t know that? only a year ago he hated my very existence. in case you’ve forgotten, Agatha, he followed me around every day, all hours of the day. 

 

**Gay Solidarity:** if I tell him, he might backtrack and we’ll be stuck in square one again. 

 

**Gay Solidarity:** I don’t 

 

**Gay Solidarity:** I can’t do that again Agatha 

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** okay

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** I’m sorry.

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** but I think if you listened to me, you’d be pleasantly surprised.

 

**Gay Solidarity:** night Agatha.

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** goodnight baz

  
  


**spooky scary thots**

 

_ 1:47 am _

**Twinkphobic:** are they dead

 

**Thoticus Prime:** F :((

 

**Not The President:** your favorite friend has arrived!

 

**Twinkphobic:** agatha!! is baz okay??

 

**Not The President:** yeah he’s asleep, he asked me about something and we talked for a bit

 

**Twinkphobic:** ah ogay 

  
  


_ 8:57 am _

**Not The President:** WHY IS MRS. REED DRESSED AS A FUCKING MINION

 

**Beansprout Headass:** SEND A PHOTO 

 

_ Photo.png.CURSED _

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I’M CRYING WHAT THE FUC K

 

**Not The President:** I DON’T KNOW I’M SCARED

 

**Twinkphobic:** MR. RICHARDS IS DRESSED AS G R U

 

**Not The President:** wh 

 

**Not The President:** I’M SORRY HE’S WHAT

 

**Twinkphobic:** gru

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I saw someone dressed as his brother 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** can confirm that cook pritchard is also a minion

 

**Thoticus Prime:** holy shit

 

**Thoticus Prime:** the entire kitchen staff are fuCKING MINIONS

 

**Beansprout Headass:** WHAT

 

_ Photo.png.MinionCult _

 

**Thoticus Prime:** SEE

 

**Beansprout Headass:** we need to REVOLT against the minions 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** how the fuck do we do that

 

**Beansprout Headass:** we convince everyone to wear their shirts and pants inside out for the rest of the day 

 

**Twinkphobic:** that’s the best you could do

 

**Beansprout Headass:** OH I’m sorry do you have A BETTER IDEA 

 

**Twinkphobic:** well

 

**Twinkphobic:** no

 

**Twinkphobic:** but

 

**Beansprout Headass:** EXACtly shut the fuc k

 

**Not The President:** this is dumb it’ll never work 

  
  


_ 9:34 am _

**Not The President:** why was I just pushed aside by an army of juniors with their shirts and pants inside out 

 

**Not The President:** baz what have you DONE

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I don’t recall 

 

**Not The President:** BITCH WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN FHDJJDJDKSK YOU DON’T RECALL

 

**Beansprout Headass:** I DON’T R E C A L L 

 

**Thoticus Prime has renamed “Beansprout Headass” to “Cult Leader”**

 

**Cult Leader:** finally, my final form

 

**Thoticus Prime:** no your final form is Phil Swift

 

**Not The President:** your final form is gay 

 

**Cult Leader:** gay Phil Swift 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** you should change your name to that

 

**Not The President:** ggay bowser..

 

**Cult Leader:** FAREWELL GAY BOWSER 

 

**Not The President:** [off key “In The Arms Of The Angel” on a kazoo]

 

**Cult Leader:** learn megalovania 

 

**Twinkphobic:** I regret..

 

**Cult Leader:** take me out then bitch

 

**Twinkphobic:** ahdhfjsldjak

 

**Not The President:** MOOD

 

**Thoticus Prime:** me staring at my teacher grading my English papers 

 

**Cult Leader:** JDJSJDJKSJJS 

 

**Cult Leader:** my sister @ me when I catch her with a hairbrush stuck in her hair 

 

**Twinkphobic:** you’re laughing but that shit hurts 

 

**Cult Leader:** use CONDITIONER 

 

**Twinkphobic:** THAT SHIT MAKES MY HAIR LOOK LIKE AN OIL SPILL

 

**Cult Leader:** F

 

**Thoticus Prime:** I use two in one 

 

**Cult Leader:** I’m sorry

 

**Cult Leader:** you WHAT

 

**Not The President:** SIMON

 

**Thoticus Prime:** what???!!

 

**Not The President:** HOW THE FUCK,,

 

**Cult Leader:** I AM DISGUSTED.. I AM REVOLTED..

  
  


_ 3:35 pm _

**Not The President:** TIME FOR SPOOKS AND UNCOMFORTABLE INTERACTIONS WITH CHILDREN

  
  


_ 6:12 pm _

**Cult Leader:** I might have to bail on the movie night 

 

**Twinkphobic:** you WHAT

 

**Thoticus Prime:** BAZ

 

**Cult Leader:** WAIT never mind we’re good my stepmom is taking my siblings out

 

**Twinkphobic:** BLESS

 

**Thoticus Prime:** !!!!

 

**Not The President:** what time should we show up 

 

**Cult Leader:** you mean what time should I get all of you since everyone here failed their drivers tests?

 

**Not The President:** yeah,, that,,

 

**Twinkphobic:** before kids start scampering around. you’ll never make it here if you leave after 7:00 

 

**Cult Leader:** shit u rite, u rite.

 

**Cult Leader:** Agatha be ready for 6:30, Simon be ready for 6:45 

 

**Not The President:** deal

 

**Thoticus Prime:** got it!

 

**Twinkphobic:** candy duty?

 

**Cult Leader:** I stole a bag of the good candy before we put it out. it’s in my trunk lmao 

 

**Twinkphobic:** BLESS.

 

**Cult Leader:** none of that nasty shit in my Christian server 

 

**Not The President:** jolly ranchers and airheads are not nasty!! they’re doing their BEST okay

 

**Cult Leader:** no one wants to get fucking jolly ranchers on Halloween agatha 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** I wouldn’t mind

 

**Cult Leader:** signing the divorce papers as we speak 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** babe no please

 

**Cult Leader:** too late I’m taking the kids 

  
  


**Gay Solidarity >> Lesbian Solidarity**

 

_ 6:31 pm _

**Gay Solidarity:** get your ass outside I’m here 

 

**Lesbian Solidarity:** I’m coming JEEZ

  
  


**Emo Shit >> Not An Emo Shit**

 

_ 6:47 pm _

**Emo Shit:** Simon if you’re not in this car within the next three minutes I’m driving away

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** I’M COMING DON’T LEAVE WITHOUT ME

 

**Emo Shit:** we’re gonna hit traffic hurry up!! 

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** !!!

  
  


**spooky scary thots**

 

_ 7:15 pm _

**Not The President:** we’re here!

 

**Twinkphobic:** front door is unlocked

 

**Not The President:** got it 

  
  


_ Many movies and several candies later, Penny was shoving her two half asleep friends and their designated driver out the door and into Baz’s car. Simon and Agatha piled on top of one another in the back seat, and Baz slid into the drivers side.  _

 

_   From where she backed up onto her porch she waved to them and watched his car disappear down the street. At least they’d helped her clean up this year, unlike last time.  _

 

_   Many threatening words were spoken to the three of them last year, something about, “If you ever leave a half eaten package of skittles wedged between the couch cushions again I will end you.” _

 

_   You know, normal things.  _

  
  


__ **Emo Shit >> Not An Emo Shit **

 

_ 1:45 am _

**Emo Shit:** AGATHA shoot me please I can’t handle him anymore 

 

**Emo Shit:** he?? will be the death of me?? Jesus CHRIST I’m a FUCKING DISASTER of a human being 

 

**Emo Shit:** how does Simon “I eat the scones I drop on the floor” Snow manage to destroy me?? wow I fucking love HIM

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** hey baz??

 

**Emo Shit:** thank god you’re awake Agatha holy SHIT

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** do you maybe.. wanna check who you’re texting?? 

 

**Emo Shit:** oh. oh fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))) you’re welcome for that lmao


	10. A much needed phone call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sister soft.

**Emo Shit >> Not An Emo Shit**

 

_ 1:50 am _

 

**Emo Shit:** Simon I

 

**Emo Shit:** I’m so sorry 

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** baz?

 

**Emo Shit:** you weren’t supposed to find out this way I’m so so sorry 

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** baz.

 

**Emo Shit:** if you don’t want to talk to me anymore I understand 

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** BASILTON.

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** answer your phone? please?

  
  
  


_ Incoming call from Simon… _

  
  
  


_   Simon waited in tense silence as he listened to the line ring over and over. He wondered if Baz had ignored his call until he heard the click, signaling he’d picked up the line. _

 

_   “Baz?” _

 

_   The apologies flooded in immediately, and Simon’s brain rattled from how fast Baz was talking.  _

 

_   “Simon I’m so sorry you weren’t supposed to find out if you never want to see me again I understand I’ll leave you alone and-“ _

 

_   “Baz,” Simon tried to cut him off. “You need to listen to m-“ _

 

_   “I promise I’ll leave you alone, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable-“ _

 

_   Simon realized with a jolt that felt like a kick to the abdomen that Baz was spiraling, crumbling in on himself like a house made of a deck of cards that was pushed just enough, just enough to send it crashing to the ground. He was slipping through Simon’s fingers, and he needed someone to catch him before he fell too far. _

 

_   “Baz!” _

 

_   “Simon?” _

 

_   “I need you to listen to every word I’m saying very carefully, okay?” _

 

_  He heard Baz suck in a sharp breath. It was now or never. _

 

_   “I love  _ you  _ Baz. I love the way your nose scrunches up when you don’t like something. The way you tie your hair up while you’re working. How you tap your fingers against your legs when you’re deep in concentration. How your dimples appear when you smile, and how you grin when you’re trying to keep yourself from laughing. How excited you get over simple things. I love all of you Baz, I’d never want to stop seeing you. I’d never send you away, I swear on it.” _

 

_   Baz went quiet, and Simon was sure he’d been hung up on until he heard sniffling.  _

 

_   Baz was crying?  _

 

_   “Holy shit, Snow. That.. That was..” _

 

_   “Eloquent? Poetic? The most I’ve ever spoken without fucking up my words?”  _

 

_   “Yes, that. All of that.”  _

 

_   The pair sat in silence for a minute, before Simon spoke up. _

 

_   “So does this make us.. Boyfriends?”  _

 

_   “I’d like that, Simon.”  _

 

_   Simon’s heart fluttered, and he was sure his smile would split his face in two. _

 

_  “Good, because you’re stuck with me until we’re both grey and wheeling around the nursing home together.”  _

 

_   Baz snorted, coughing to cover up a laugh that would surely wake up everyone in his house. Simon liked it when Baz laughed. It was loud and beautiful and just so  _ Baz _ that it made Simon’s stomach erupt in giddy butterflies whenever he heard it.  _

 

_   Simon sat in silence for a while, and he soon realized Baz had fallen asleep on the other end. Simon smiled softly, and ended the call. _

 

_ Call end. 7:09 _

  
  
  


**Emo Shit >> Not An Emo Shit**

 

_ 1:58 am _

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** goodnight baz. 

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** I love you.

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** a lot.

 

_ 8:09 am _

  
**Emo Shit:** I love you too, Simon. 


	11. An improvement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of these quotes are things the cursed Bottom Baz gc on Instagram have said, others are from the carry on discord. which are which? you’ll never know.

**Posh Bastards**

 

_ 10:01 am _

 

**Cult Leader:** hey so uhhhh

 

**Cult Leader:** the most interesting thing just happened

 

**Nialleavemealone:** baz what is so important that you’re texting this group at ten am on the WEEKEND

 

**DevBeverage:** double texting, at that

 

**Cult Leader:** so uh an improvement happened 

 

**Nialleavemealone:** woah, I’m on the edge of my seat.

 

**Cult Leader:** wow you don’t care I get it no need to be a cock about it

 

**DevBeverage:** I care Baz! what is it?

 

**Cult Leader:** so I might be dating Simon Snow

 

**Nialleavemealone:** WHAT

 

**DevBeverage:** WELL THAT’S CERTAINLY AN IMPROVEMENT 

 

**Nialleavemealone:** GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT B A S I L T O N

 

_ Cult Leader is now offline... _

  
  


**The Three Musketeers**

 

_ 10:01 am _

 

**Thoticus Prime:** hey guys just wanted to say I think I’m dating Baz!

 

**Not The President:** I’M SORRY WHAT THE FUCK

 

**Twinkphobic:** WHTASDHSHAKFYHSHVB

 

**Thoticus Prime:** alright I gotta go now, bye gamers! 

 

**Not The President:** SIMON GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE

 

**Twinkphobic:** YOU CAN’T TELL US THAT AND THEN JUST LEAVE

 

**Twinkphobic:** SIMON

 

**Not The President:** SIMON FUCKING SNOW

 

**Twinkphobic:** GET BACK HERE

 

_ Thoticus Prime is now offline… _

  
  


**They’re Disasters**

 

_ 10:11 am _

 

**DevBeverage:** SIMON AND BAZ ARE DATING!

 

**Twinkphobic:** GUYS SIMON AND BAZ ARE DATING

 

**Thoticus Prime:** ah so you two already know?

 

**Nialleavemealone:** YES AND I’M FLIPPING MY SHIT

 

**DevBeverage:** I’m happy for them! It only took them so fucking long to finally grow some balls and admit it to one another!

 

**Twinkphobic:** HAHAHAHA

 

**Not The President:** I guess we don’t need this group anymore?

 

**Nialleavemealone:** are you serious? we can use this to set them up on dates 

 

**Not The President:** I like the way you think Niall

 

**DevBeverage:** we also need somewhere to rant about how fucking dumb they are

 

**Not The President:** I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK DEV

 

**DevBeverage:** that’s a first 

  
  


**The Pawnshop**

 

_ 10:13 am _

 

**Cult Leader:** wow you know who I love 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** me?

 

**Cult Leader:** Dirk Gently, holistic detective, man of my dreams

 

**Thoticus Prime:** WOW RUDE

 

**Cult Leader:** and you :)

 

**Twinkphobic:** SO ARE YOU TWO GOING TO EXPLAIN

 

**Thoticus Prime:** explain what

 

**Not The President:** THIS?? 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** oh! Baz texted me instead of you Agatha. he meant to tell you how much he loved me, but he texted me on accident

 

**Not The President:** lmao what a dumbass

 

**Cult Leader:** excuse me I am a DELIGHT Wellbelove.

 

**Not The President:** a delightful fucking dumbass

 

**Thoticus Prime:** sorry Baz but it’s true

 

**Cult Leader:** HEY

 

**Thoticus Prime:** I love you!

 

**Cult Leader:** I love you too.

 

**Twinkphobic:** get a room

 

**Thoticus Prime:** okay! hey baz

 

**Cult Leader:** no.

 

**Thoticus Prime:** damn I was only gonna show you my… ;)

 

**Cult Leader:** NO.

 

**Thoticus Prime:** my.. y’know.. 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** Yu-Gi-Oh card collection ;)

 

**Cult Leader:** oh my God

 

**Twinkphobic:** GHJDHFJSJFNC

 

**Not The President:** YU-GI-OH CARD COLLECTION KSDJDJJDFJ

 

**Thoticus Prime:** it’s big ;)

 

**Thoticus Prime:** like something else of mine… ;))

 

**Cult Leader:** which is?

 

**Thoticus Prime:** my love, appreciation, and affection for you ;)

 

_ Photo.png.doyouwantmetodie _

 

**Thoticus Prime:** YOU’RE SO RED I’M CRYIGNHSHDJD

 

**Cult Leader:** I DIDN’T MEAN TO SEND THAT SHIT SHUT UP

 

**Twinkphobic:** BAZ = TOMATO

 

**Cult Leader:** SHUT UP

 

**Not The President:** bazmato

 

**Cult Leader:** I WILL RIP YOUR SPINE OUT AT IMMEASURABLE SPEEDS

 

**Not The President:** thanks! it’s been a while :)

 

**Cult Leader:** WHAT GHE FUKC

 

**Twinkphobic:** oh my fucking god it’s worse than sproutpole 

 

**Not The President:** his new plantsona

 

**Cult Leader:** I am disgusted, I am revolted, I dedicate my entire life to our lord and savior Jesus Christ and THIS is the thanks I get?

 

**Twinkphobic:** Baz you are far from dedicated

 

**Thoticus Prime:** babe, you know I love you but you are literally someone the church would’ve wanted dead three hundred years ago

 

**Thoticus Prime:** literally no contest. the church would’ve actually murdered you. burned you at the stake.

 

**Not The President:** LMAO DHDHHJSHF

 

**Cult Leader:** perhaps.png

 

**Not The President:** d..did you just say that instead of sending the actual photo

 

**Cult Leader:** maybeso.png

 

**Not The President:** WH

 

**Thoticus Prime:** wow I love you 

 

**Cult Leader:** DDJSJHFKSNF STOP

 

**Thoticus Prime:** but how else will you know that I

 

**Thoticus Prime:** love

 

**Thoticus Prime:** you

 

**Cult Leader:** I’m sister sobbing

 

**Twinkphobic:** h

 

**Not The President:** HI SISTERS

 

**Cult Leader:** Agatha is Jojo Siw

 

**Twinkphobic:** she killed him before he could finish his sentence 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** tragic.png 

 

**Twinkphobic:** not you too

 

**Cult Leader has renamed “Not The President” to “Jojo Siwa Wannabe”**

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE AND DISRESPECT ME LIKE THIS

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** WOW, YOU COME INTO MY CHILIS, BARBECUE SAUCE ON YOUR TITTIES?!

 

**Cult Leader:** HVHHJEHFJENV WHAT THE FUCK

 

**Cult Leader:** I JUST GOT WHIPLASH

 

**Twinkphobic:** FUCKIGN SAME BITCHZ

 

**Thoticus Prime:** bold of you to assume Baz has titties.

 

**Cult Leader:** wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy. 

 

**Twinkphobic:** SSTOP

 

**Twinkphobic:** I CAN’T BREATHE

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** you still have lungs? wow

 

**Twinkphobic:** WHAT THE FUCK DOES THTA MEAN

 

**Thoticus Prime:** it means she’s a furry. her fursona is a fish. Agatha has gills.

 

**Not The President:** Simon I will strangle you

 

**Thoticus Prime:** fucking finally 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** take me out bitch, my front door is unlocked.

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** the sheer bde energy from that sentence literally just fucking obliterated me 

 

**Cult Leader:** I have BDE 

 

**Not The President:** oh?

 

**Cult Leader:** big dumbass energy

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** BITCH SAME

 

**Thoticus Prime:** if that ain’t me..

 

**Twinkphobic:** damn are y’all okay

 

**Cult Leader:** ...y’all…

 

**Cult Leader:** WEST VIRGINIA.. MOUNTAIN MAMA.. TAKE ME HOME.. COUNTRY ROADS..

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** SWEET HOME ALABAMA

 

**Twinkphobic:** SHUT THE FUCK UP AGATHA

 

**Cult Leader:** I’m telling Micah you say y’all un ironically 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** illusion mocha…

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** Micah doesn’t Exist 

 

**Twinkphobic:** WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

 

**Thoticus Prime:** he does not Exist

 

**Cult Leader:** he is an Illusion

 

**Twinkphobic:** WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DOESN’T EXIST 

 

**Twinkphobic:** I’ve shown you photos of him??

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** hmm sounds like something someone who mastered the art of photoshop would say :/

 

**Twinkphobic:** WHAT IN TARNATION..

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** illusion mocha.

 

**Cult Leader:** illusion mocha.

  
**Thoticus Prime:** illusion mocha


	12. 20-bi-teen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Years shenanigans! This chapter has no texting format, so if that’s what you were hoping for you’re out of luck.

_ 6:34 pm _

  
  


_    The first thing Baz heard the second he joined the call was yelling and bass boosted music trying its hardest to be heard over said yelling.  _

 

_    “Agatha! What the fuck?” _

 

_    “My FUCKING TOWER is GONE and it’s throwing me OFF MY RHYTHM.”  _

 

_    “Who the fuck keeps dropping all of these BUSHES?!” _

 

_    “Tricky towers?”  _

 

_    There was silence from the others for a split second, only the bass boosted melody of an eloquent song penetrated the quiet. Baz could practically hear the gears turning in everyone’s heads, but mainly he only heard, “doin your mom, d-d-doin your mom!”  _

 

_    Beautiful. Absolutely brilliant. _

 

_   “Baz! You finally joined us.” Penny exclaimed, glancing into the camera for a second before mashing the keys on her keyboard, probably making an attempt to keep her tower from falling over. Agatha waved with one hand, and Simon cursed loudly.  _

 

_    “So? Are you going to join us?” Agatha asked smugly, the keys on her keyboard clicking faintly. Simon cursed again, and Baz could only imagine what absurd powerup she had used.  _

 

_   “Hold on, Christ. Some of us don’t have computers that can load in a damn second.” Baz mumbled, dropping his phone onto his bed, camera pointed up at the ceiling. There was shuffling and a few crashes but Baz soon appeared again with a laptop in hand.  _

 

_    “I lost the fan. Maybe the heat will burn down my house if I leave it on long enough?” _

 

_    “Bitch, it better not.” Simon mumbled, not looking up from the screen. The tops of his hands were barely visible from the angle of his phone, but Baz could see them dancing along the keyboard swiftly. _

 

_    Penny snorted.  _

 

_    “I’ll keep that in mind, Simon.” Baz flopped back against the headboard of his bed, laptop balanced on his thighs. He stretched and both of his elbows cracked horrifically loud. It didn’t seem to bother him, but the other three collectively winced. _

 

_    “Baz, babe, I love you, but what the FUCK was that?”  _

 

_    “I have double jointed elbows, Simon. Do try to keep up.” _

 

_    Agatha stopped and stared into the camera. “I’m sorry, you have what? Double jointed elbows? What the fuck are those?” _

 

_    Baz grinned, rolled up the sleeve of his shirt and extended his arm. The others collectively shrieked, varying degrees of “oh my god what the FUCK?!” to “I feel sick, you’ve actually just killed me.” He grinned wider and rolled his sleeve back down.  _

 

_    “See? Double jointed elbows.”  _

 

_    “Never, EVER do that again, I beg of you. Please.” Agatha mumbled, a hand covering her mouth, the other on her keyboard. _

 

_    Baz shrugged, “Hey, don’t blame me. You asked about it!”  _

 

_    “Whatever freaky elbows, just join the game!” _

  
  


_ 7:46 pm _

  
  


_    “WHO JUST BLUE SHELLED ME? _

 

_    “EAT SHIT SIMON!” _

 

_    “HOW IS BAZ WINNING?!” _

 

_    “WHY’D WE PICK RAINBOW ROAD?!” _

  
  


_ 9:32 pm _

  
  


_    “We should watch Infinity War so Thanos can snap at exactly midnight!”  _

 

_    The others stared at Penny, their racers collectively falling over the edge of the brightly colored track. Baz rubbed at his eyes, and Simon and Agatha soon began to cackle, their phones falling over from where they were propped up.  _

 

_    “Oh Jesus Christ, Penny, what the fuck-“ Baz groaned, but he was grinning too. _

 

_    He turned back to the screen, resuming the race while the others were distracted. Simon wheezed, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. Agatha breathed heavily as she fixed her phone, face red. There was shuffling from Simon’s end while he propped his phone back up, microphone rubbing against his bed. Penny was chuckling, shaking her head at the same time.  _

 

_    Out of the blue, the familiar voice announcing the race had been won rang out, and the others snapped their attention back to the screen. Baz had won the race, and was grinning smugly into the camera. He inhaled,  _

 

_    “Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.” _

 

_    Simon and Agatha didn’t calm down for a solid five minutes. _

  
  


_ 10:06 pm _

  
  


_    Agatha snickered as shitty pop music filtered through Baz’s microphone. Baz groaned and flopped back against his bed, actions punctuated by loud and generic boy-band voices.  _

 

_    “That’s the fifteenth time I’ve heard that song today. Mordelia is obsessed with it, and apparently so are her friends. I’m this close to throwing myself into the fireplace.” Baz held up his hand, the other draped across his forehead. _

__

_    “Baz, your fingers are touching.”  _

 

_    He stared directly into the camera, “I know.”  _

 

_    He flew off screen, and the others cackled. They got even louder when Baz yelled in mock agony as soon as the chorus started.  _

 

_    “NOT AGAIN, PLEASE, NO MORE-“  _

  
  


_ 11:13 pm _

  
  


_    “Damn. Isn’t it weird to think it’ll be 2019 in less than an hour?” Simon said over the sounds of an intense race.  _

 

_    “Don’t do this to me. Not yet. It’s too early for this shit.” Agatha replied, rubbing her eyes. Penny snorted and dropped a banana peel, and Simon cursed.  _

 

_    “I’ll get you back, Penny.” _

 

_    “Good luck trying, Mr. Third Place.” She teased, tilting a little when her racer went around a sharp corner. Giggling could be heard coming through Baz’s wall, and he turned up the music a bit to tune it out.  _

 

_    “At least we’re not Baz.” Agatha commented. _

 

_    “Damn, you right.” Penny nodded seriously, biting her cheek to keep herself from laughing. _

 

_    “THIS IS BULLYING.” Baz shouted, and proceeded to let a red shell loose. Penny yelled and gaped like a fish as she watched her racer fall off the edge. Baz and Agatha both sped past her, wheezing, and Simon chuckled.  _

 

_    “Get FUCKED.”  _

__

_    “I CAN’T BELIEVE THE AUDACITY. You come into MY Chili’s, barbecue sauce on YOUR titties?”  _

 

_    “That sentence alone just dealt 100 damage to everyone in the fucking area, holy SHIT.”  _

 

_    “Penny used ‘what the fuck does that mean?’, It was super effective!” _

  
  


_ 11:52 pm _

  
  


_    Soon enough it was just Baz and Simon in the call, enjoying the silence. Penny and Agatha both left to finish the night with their family, which was reasonable. Simon propped himself up on his elbows and stared into the camera. _

 

_    “What is it, Simon?” Baz asked, looking back at him from the corner of his eye.  _

 

_    “Nothing, just admiring the most perfect boy in the world.”  _

 

_    Baz’s cheeks flushed a bit and he grinned, “Oh yeah? Who’s that? I’d love to meet him.”  _

 

_    “Well, he’s freakishly tall. Like, a real life giant. He plays violin. Maybe he could teach you a thing or two? He’s really, really good at it. His hair is like spilled ink, and his canine teeth remind me of a vampire.” _

 

_    “Hmm, sounds like an interesting guy.”  _

 

_    “He bites his ice cream like a weirdo, and when he’s flustered his ears and cheeks turn bright red. He’s really quite cute, you might have some competition.”  _

 

_    Baz gasped in mock offense, hand flying to his chest. “You wound me, Simon.”  _

 

_    The pair lapsed back into silence, the only noises being the terrible pop music and the rattling of Simon’s radiator.  _

  
  


_ 11:58 pm _

  
  


_    “Baz?” _

  
  


_ 11:59 pm _

  
  


_    “Yeah?”  _

 

_ 12:00 am _

  
  


_    “I love you. _

 

_    “I love you too, Simon.”  _

  
  


_ 12:01 am _

 

_    Malcom’s hand dropped from hovering over Baz’s door, balling into a fist. He retreated back to the living room, eyes narrowed.  _

 

__

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven’t watched someone play tricky towers, what are you doing??
> 
> Here’s the song playing in the beginning of the chapter: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nh14tKDu1r4
> 
> Also, you’re welcome for yet another cliffhanger.


	13. They’re Dead(tm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sleep deprived shenanigans. There’s spaghetti, black market organizations, and bribery.
> 
>  
> 
> NOTE: yes I’m lgbtq+ and I find the Twitter glitch to be hilarious which is why I’m using it humorously!! If you’re offended by it please read with caution.

**The Pawnshop**

  
  


_ 7:19 am _

  
  


**Twinkphobic:** I’m so fucking tired I-

 

**Twinkphobic:** who the FUCK thought it was a good idea to have school the day after New Years?? 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** they’re homophobic 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** facts

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** this is shit 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** rt

 

**Cult Leader:** I’m getting coffee before class starts who’s coming with me 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** I will!

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I wanna come 

 

**Twinkphobic:** me!!

 

**Cult Leader:** alright so I’ll just pick all of you up?? get ready losers we’re getting SUSTENANCE 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** SUSTENANCE! SUSTENANCE! SUSTENANCE! 

 

**Twinkphobic:** potassium potassium po [gunshots]

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** FHHFJDNDKDGH 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** can’t believe Penny is fucking dead :(

 

**Thoticus Prime:** f 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** raise a glads 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** shut the fuck up Baz I see you typing 

 

**Cult Leader:** GLADS FHSJHFKWHG I’M CRYIGN

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I’LL INVERT YOUR FUCKING RIBCAGE BITCHBOY!!

 

**Cult Leader:** DO IT PISSBABY!!

  
  


**The Pawnshop**

  
  


9:26 am

  
  


**Thoticus Prime:** okay so basically Mr. Minos can eat my ass 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** why this mans give us a POP QUIZ today of all days?! I’m suffering Chief 

 

**Cult Leader:** all of the answers are C except for the second to last 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** ??? how the fuck do you know that 

 

**Cult Leader:** I saw the answer sheet on his desk 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** wh.. what..

 

**Cult Leader:** just trust me

 

**Twinkphobic:** can’t believe Baz of all people would give answers out for a pop quiz 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** he does it all the time for me

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I only passed the quiz in Mrs. Reed’s class cause we developed a code to give each other the answers 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** okay so basically WHAT THE FUCK

 

**Cult Leader:** I run a black market organization 

 

**Cult Leader:** I give answers to the year tens all the time 

 

**Twinkphobic:** WHAT

 

**Cult Leader:** that’s just how mafia works I guess 

 

**Thoticus Prime:** WHAT THE FUCK……. MY OWN BOYFRIEND……

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO SIMON SAID THE “B” WORD

 

**Twinkphobic:** OH FUCK.. OH SHIT..

  
  


_ 12:30 pm _

  
  


**Cult Leader:** Damien needs to piss off and let us enjoy our lunch in peace 

 

**Twinkphobic:** maybe if you and Simon stopped trying to lay on top of each other

 

**Cult Leader:** I Love Him Let Me Live

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** twenty bucks and I fling my spaghetti at his rat lookin ass 

 

**Twinkphobic:** DO NOT

 

**Cult Leader:** DO IT HETERO

 

**Thoticus Prime:** spagheterosexual 

 

**Cult Leader:** SPAGHETEROSEXUAL I CWNT BRETAHHE FHDJJSJD

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe has renamed “Thoticus Prime” to “Spagheterosexual”**

 

**Spagheterosexual:** THIS IS BULLYING IN THE WORST FORM…

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** shut up stinbky hetero the gays are talking :(((

 

**Twinkphobic:** wh

 

**Cult Leader:** Penny you’re the exception because in this house we respect heterosexuals

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** it’s peak lgbtq+ and straight solidarity hours fellas 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** ugh Damien keeps staring at us and then whispering to his Goons 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** us:

 

**Spagheterosexual:** Damien:  _ allowmetointroducemyself.png _

 

**Cult Leader:** FUCK FHFHSJKJGL

 

**Twinkphobic:** IT’S SO ACCURATE GHDJKSJF

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** look out Baz!! I think Moto Moto likes you!

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** [insert the photo of Damien from year seven] I like em big, I like em chunky (chun-kay!)

 

**Cult Leader:** STOP PLEASE I CAN’T BREATHE 

 

**Twinkphobic:** OH MY FUCKING GOD I’M CRYING

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** If his stinky ass looks over here one more time he’s gettin a facefull of strange spaghetti 

 

**Cult Leader:** do it the teachers aren’t looking

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** he’ll know it was me though

 

**Cult Leader:** pay one of the year tens to do it. bribe them with the cookies we can buy 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** fuck you’re absolutely right 

 

**Twinkphobic:** if you get sent to the office for this I swear to god

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I won’t, don’t worry Penny!

  
  


_ 1:07 pm _

  
  


**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** so I got sent to the office!

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** the look on Damien’s face was worth it though.

  
  


_ 1:18 pm  _

  
  


**Twinkphobic:** god dammit Agatha

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** it’s fine, I’m not getting suspended. 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** just detention on Monday and Wednesday but I can deal with that. again, it was so fucking worth it.

 

**Cult Leader:** what happened to the year ten you bribed?

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** he’s fine, didn’t get in trouble. I paid him ten bucks. we’re buddies now. 

 

**Cult Leader:** damn

 

**Spagheterosexual:** Agatha is building an army

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** damn right I am heterosexual

 

**Cult Leader:** we’re all heterosexual here!! no gays allowed. Simon Snow? I don’t know him. All I know is heterosexual things!!

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** THE TWITTER GLITCH WOULD FIT SO WELL WITH THAT

 

**Cult Leader:** you mean 

 

**Cult Leader:** this bad boy? 🏳️🌈⃠

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** YES FHHFSJHFKA

 

**Cult Leader:** me: who gon check me boo?

 

**Cult Leader:** my dad:   
  
  🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠

🏳️🌈⃠👁️🏳️🌈⃠👁️🏳️🌈⃠

🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠👄🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠

  🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠

 

**Cult Leader:** I hate that I just spent five minutes making that 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** FUCK.. BAZ..

 

**Cult Leader:** IT’S FINE

 

**Spagheterosexual:** JTJJSJFKAKGJ WHAT IS THAT EMOJI

 

**Twinkphobic:** a Twitter glitch

 

**Spagheterosexual:** it’s so fUCKING FUNNY I CAN’T

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** me with you guys: 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** me around my family: 🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠🏳️🌈⃠

 

**Cult Leader:** SKFJDJHGSK

 

**Cult Leader:** OH MY FUCK..

 

**Twinkphobic:** ARE YOU GUYS OKAY????

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** no but that’s just showbiz babey!!

 

**Spagheterosexual:** FACTS

  
  


_ 2:30 pm _

  
  


**Cult Leader:** I am confusion.. I just asked my dad something and he ignored me and pushed me away?? father wyd 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** are you okay? 

 

**Cult Leader:** yeah I hit the back of the chair so it didn’t hurt but?? wh

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I’ll delete his kneecaps. drop your address right now. 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** catch me sprinting up your driveway in a full suit of armor with a baseball bat, coming to delete his kneecaps.

 

**Cult Leader:** HFHDJSH AGATHA

 

**Spagheterosexual:** I’ll help!

 

**Twinkphobic:** SO WILL I 

 

**Cult Leader:** thanks gamers but it’s really not that big a deal?? I dunno something probably happened at work 

 

**Twinkphobic:** he shouldn’t take it out on you?

 

**Cult Leader:** better me than Mordelia

 

**Spagheterosexual:** still?? 

 

**Cult Leader:** yeah I guess you’re right but I’d still prefer that I get shoved around a bit instead of my siblings.

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** you’re sure you’re okay? 

 

**Cult Leader:** yeah! I’m in my room now. I’ve acquired.. cheez-itz…

 

**Twinkphobic:** cronch 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** GIVE ME THEM

 

**Cult Leader:** no these are MINE… 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** betrayed by my own boyfriend… 

 

**Cult Leader:** I love you :)

 

**Spagheterosexual:** I love you too :)

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** DISGOSTANG…….

 


	14. Chaos time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s bullying but. not the bad kind. consensual bullying.
> 
> also! I’m leaving for a field trip over spring break and I doubt I’ll have internet (not that I update on the regular anyway) but I wanted to let you all know!

**The Pawnshop**

  
  


_ 7:04 am _

  
  


**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** so who’s started revising for exams cause our class hasn’t and I’m about to go absolutely ape

 

**Cult Leader:** I’m having a full on stroke they’re in a few months what the fuck 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** wow press F I’ve started revising get fucked

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** TALK SOME SENSE INTO OUR TEACHERS PLEASE

 

**Spagheterosexual:** no. you named me this. you get no pity.

 

**Cult Leader:** Simon please 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** alright fine 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT LOGIC 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** that’s the power of love babey!

 

**Twinkphobic:** hey so uh what the fuck is going on here 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I’m being CYBERBULLIED. 

 

**Twinkphobic:** ah. so the usual. 

 

**Cult Leader:** FHDHSJKSHF

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** WHAT

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** THE USUAL?!?!!?

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** THE FUCKING AUDACITY 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** GET FUCKED

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I AM LESBISG

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** LESBISM

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** LESBI NA

 

**Cult Leader:** take your time

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** GIRLS.

  
  
  


_ 8:46 am _

  
  


**Twinkphobic:** this economics class is such shit. this substitute is absolute piss

 

**Twinkphobic:** I am the ONLY ONE doing ANYTHING I’m going to commit armed robbery!!!

 

**Cult Leader:** can I be the first victim 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** NO!!! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!!!

 

**Cult Leader:** too bad buckaroo!! 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** NO. ALL OF US ARE DYING AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** all of us die at 51 of natural causes. exact same time. 

 

**Cult Leader:** fine, but I’m dying of liver failure.

 

**Twinkphobic:** but I want to die of liver failure!!

 

**Cult Leader:** MOM SAID IT’S MY TURN TO USE THE LIVER FAILURE

 

**Twinkphobic:** IT’S ALWAYS YOUR TURN

 

**Spagheterosexual:** What The Fuck Is Going On

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** they’re doing God's work for him. 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** ah, obviously, my apologies

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** you better apologize you fucking piss wizard

 

**Cult Leader:** P

 

**Cult Leader:** PISS WIZARD?!?

 

**Twinkphobic:** öiss 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** öiss wizard!

 

**Spagheterosexual:** WAIT

 

**Spagheterosexual:** BITCH

 

**Spagheterosexual:** ÖIZZARD

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** HASGHADDHSGJS

 

**Cult Leader:** STOP I’M ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** what, are you gonna cry? gonna piss your pants? maybe even shit and cum?!

 

**Cult Leader:** SHUT THE FUCK UP AGATHA I’M IN MATH CLASS I’M ABOUT TO GET STABBED

 

**Spagheterosexual:** hey Baz what would you do if we kissed in the Elephants Foot 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** omg I would literally MELT if a girl did that to me 

 

**Cult Leader:** T.. THE ELEPHANTS FOOT… CHERNOBYL….

 

**Twinkphobic:** what the fuck is the elephants foot

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** YOU DON’T KNOW, YOU FUCKING BASTARD??

 

**Twinkphobic:** MAYBE I AM A BASTARD. THIS IS BASTARDPHOBIA. 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** if you don’t shut the fuck up, your ass is gonna be grass, and I’m the lawnmower

 

**Cult Leader:** _ fishmomhidingkids.png  _

 

**Spagheterosexual:** HHAHAHAHAHAH

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** HER ASS IS GONNA BE GRASS TOO! 

 

**Twinkphobic:** her fish vagina?

 

**Cult Leader:** her frussy 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** OH MY FUCKING GOD

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I WILL EAT HER FRUSSY UPON SIGHT

 

**Twinkphobic:** OH MY FUCKING GOD

 

**Cult Leader:** Christ on a cracker, that was a close one Dave! We almost got eaten by her frussy!

 

**Spagheterosexual:** shut the fuck up right now Baz I can’t handle this today 

 

**Cult Leader:** MEDIC!!!

 

**Spagheterosexual:** I’m signing the divorce papers as we speak I cannot BELIEVE you just did that to me

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** Dave….. No……..

 

**Twinkphobic:** F

  
  


_ 12:13 pm  _

  
  


**Cult Leader:** okay but why is Flowers for Algernon such a sad story when you think about it

 

**Cult Leader:** like… Charlie finally got what he wanted, what he dreamed of, and then it slipped away just like that

 

**Cult Leader:** AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON ALGERNON DYING. I’M UPSET. OVER A MOUSE. FUCK

 

**Spagheterosexual:** don’t remind me that story made me actually cry

 

**Twinkphobic:** NOOO I JUST REPRESSED THAT FUCKING STORY AND NOW IT’S ALL COMING BACK

 

**Twinkphobic:** GOD DAMMIT!!! I’M UPSET IN PHYSICS CLASS. FUCK YOU. HOW DARE YOU 

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** Baz why did you just mention this now

 

**Cult Leader:** so perhaps I found it in the library and I read it and now. I’m upset. 

 

**Twinkphobic:** drop an F in chat for Algernon boys.

 

**Cult Leader:** PPS: don’t forget to put some flowers on Algernon’s grave for me…

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** shut up. shut up right now. do you want me to die by my on tears, you bastard gremlin? you absolute buffoon? you fucking imbecile? absolute moronic windowsill?

 

**Twinkphobic has renamed “Cult Leader” to “Bastard Gremlin”**

 

**Bastard Gremlin has renamed “Twinkphobic” to “Moronic Windowsill”**

 

**Bastard Gremlin:** I’M DRAGGING YOU DOWN WITH ME, PENNY!!

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** YOU WANNA FUCKING GO, YOU FUCKING TELEPHONE POLE? I WILL SNAP YOUR SPINAL CORD IN HALF! I WILL TURN YOUR BONES TO JELLY. I WILL WEAVE YOUR VEINS TOGETHER! 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** hi yeah I have a question

 

**Spagheterosexual:** what the everloving FUCK does that mean?

 

**Spagheterosexual:** weave?? his veins together?? 

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** I said what I said, you fucking gasoline drinking, cave dwelling goblin

 

**Bastard Gremlin:** WHAT THE FUCK…..

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I am fully crying, there are tears streaming down my face, I think this is the closest I’ll get to having a stroke 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** you’ll be even closer once I’m done with you

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** oh how forward ;)

 

**Spagheterosexual:** I will medically force a stroke. I will watch you Suffer.

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** oo la la ;) 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** does Agatha deserve rights? let's discuss!

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** no

 

**Bastard Gremlin:** she does not!

 

**Spagheterosexual:** the results are in… Agatha deserves no rights!

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** we been knew! 

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** alternate universe where women have rights

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** too unrealistic

 

**Bastard Gremlin:** alternate universe where we’re all homophobic and straight

 

**Spagheterosexual:** what do you mean alternate universe?

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** FUCK FHFGSJFHJ

  
  


**Not An Emo Shit >> Emo Shit**

  
  


_ 1:08 pm _

  
  


**Not An Emo Shit:** hey, are you okay? you never get dismissed, is everything alright?

  
  


_ 1:14 pm _

  
  


**Not An Emo Shit:** sorry for blowing up your phone, I’m just really worried about you. text me back when you can, okay? I love you.

  
  


_ 1:29 pm _

  
  


**Not An Emo Shit:** Baz?

  
  


**The Three Musketeers**

  
  


_ 1:34 pm  _

  
  


**Spagheterosexual:** guys?? I’m really worried about Baz

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** why? did something happen?

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** was it Damien? I’ll punch him in the nose again.

 

**Spagheterosexual:** no!! it wasn’t him, please don’t punch him. he just got dismissed from class.

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** yeah, so? people get dismissed all the time. something was probably going on at Mordelia’s school so his step-mom came and got him.

 

**Spagheterosexual:** yeah, but he never gets dismissed from class. when was the last time you remember him leaving early?

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** fuck, when we were nine? 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** yeah.

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** have you tried texting him? 

 

**Spagheterosexual:** yeah, and he didn’t answer. I’m probably going ape for nothing but I’m really about to Lose It if he doesn’t answer me!!!

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** hey, don’t lose it. we’ve got half an hour left of last period, want me to come over after school?

 

**Jojo Siwa Wannabe:** I can come too!

 

**Spagheterosexual:** please. I need a Distraction or I will actually break all of my bones 

 

**Moronic Windowsill:** we’ll be there. 

  
  


**Emo Shit >> Not An Emo Shit**

  
  


_ 3:51 am _

  
  


**Emo Shit:** Simon 

 

**Emo Shit:** Simpn pleade ansrwe your phone

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** Baz? are you okay? 

 

**Emo Shit:** I dnit know anymore

 

**Emo Shit:** I’m at the psrk, I think it’s the one next to the hot dgo trukc 

 

**Emo Shit:** plsea hurry 

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** I’m on my way. stay put. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy, what’s going on? :)))


	15. Thunder and rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG OLD TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER. (Mild) ABUSE DESCRIBED. PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, READ WITH CAUTION. I love you all and I want you to stay safe.

another quick warning in case you missed the other one! possibly triggering content below the break.

^^^^^^^^

 

 

_ Mordelia woke up to yelling.  _

 

_    Angry yelling. _

 

_    Scared yelling.  _

 

_    She kicked the blankets off of her quickly, hopped out of bed, and threw open her bedroom door.  _

 

_    She tiptoed down the hallway, straining her ears to listen. _

 

_    A slam. _

 

_    Down the stairs.  _

 

_    A crash.  _

 

_    Around the corner. _

 

_    A yelp.  _

 

_    She poked her head around the corner, eyes wide. She could hear everything now. _

 

_    “Get out!” _

 

_    “Father, please, let me explain!” _

 

_    “I won’t hear it!”  _

 

_    “Please, if you’d just listen to me I could-“ _

 

_    Malcolm backhanded him.  _

 

_    Baz’s head snapped to the side. His hand came up to gingerly touch his face. He wasn’t deterred, he was desperately trying to change Malcolm’s mind. _

 

_    “I said get out.” _

 

_    “Please, just let me-“ _

 

_    Father shoved Baz backwards. He made the unfortunate mistake of throwing his hands out to catch himself. Directly onto the stovetop, which was apparently still on.  _

 

_    And apparently, very, very hot.  _

 

_    Mordelia covered her mouth, and Baz choked on a cry, holding his now burnt hand to his chest. The tears he’d been holding back fell freely now. His knees gave out, and he curled up into a ball, backing away as far as the counter behind him would allow.  _

 

_    “Get out.” _

 

_    Mordelia didn’t know what disturbed her more. The fact that her own father did this, or the fact that Baz, big strong Baz, was crying. _

 

_    He was crying.  _

 

_    So was she. Then came the anger, the unbridled rage. _

 

_    Baz met her gaze, and his eyes widened.  _

 

_    He looked ashamed. Scared beyond his years. _

 

_    Mordelia gave him a small nod. _

 

_    Baz rose, took his phone from the counter with his non-injured hand, and ran.  _

 

_    Didn’t even take his keys. _

__

_    Malcolm didn’t blink. _

 

_    Thunder boomed. Rain pelted the windows, the looming threat of a storm finally being proven. _

 

_    Malcolm turned around and saw her.  _

 

_    She backed away from him, shaking her head, eyes red and puffy. _

 

_    Mordelia ran too. Back around the corner, up the stairs, down the hallway, all the way into her room. She slammed the door, locked it, and just for good measure, pushed her small chest in front of the door too.  _

 

_    When Malcolm came knocking, she didn’t answer.  _

  
  


_    Simon woke up to his phone vibrating like crazy.  _

__

**Emo Shit >> Not An Emo Shit**

  
  


_ 3:51 am _

  
  


**Emo Shit:** Simon

 

**Emo Shit:** Simpn pleade ansrwe your phone 

 

**Not An Emo Shit:** Baz? Are ou okay? 

 

**Emo Shit:** I dnit know anymore 

  
  


_ Simon’s heart stopped. If he wasn’t awake before, he sure is now.  _

  
  


**Emo Shit:** I’m at the psrk, I think it’s the one next to the hot dgo trukc __  
__  
__  
__  
**Emo Shit:** plsea hurry __  
__  
__  
__  
**Not An Emo Shit:** I’m on my way. stay put.

  
  


_    Simon tripped over himself to throw on clothes. He didn’t even bother tying his shoes. He had half a mind to throw on a sweater, and grab one for Baz too.  _

 

_    Thunder boomed. Rain pelted the windows.  _

 

_    He grabbed an umbrella too.  _

 

_    Phone in pocket, umbrella in hand, he threw open the door to his flat and was off, sprinting down the rain-soaked sidewalks. When he’d finally made it to the park, he was panting, soaked through despite the umbrella he gripped tightly, and his legs burned. _

 

_    None of that mattered. He could see Baz. _

 

_    Baz.  _

 

_    He looked so small, curled beneath a tree, trying to shelter himself from the rain. Head tucked between his knees, Simon could see him shaking, even from here. _

 

_    Despite the ache in his legs Simon ran again. He dropped to his knees in front of Baz, and covered the both of them with the umbrella.  _

 

_    “Baz,” he breathed, setting a tentative hand on his trembling shoulder. “Love, I need you to look at me. Please.” _

 

_    Baz flinched. He lifted his head, and then pulled Simon in for a bone-crushing hug, hand gripping the back of his sweater tightly, head buried into his shoulder. Simon returned the hug with the same amount of force, rocking the two of them back and forth.  _

 

_    When Baz pulled away, his eyes were red and puffy. The mark on his cheek stood out even more now; angry and red.  _

 

_    Simon cupped his other cheek gently, and brushed the tears from his face. Baz reached up and grabbed onto his arm tightly, refusing to meet his eyes.  _

 

_    “Love, please look at me. What happened?” Simon asked, balancing the umbrella above the two of them. He reached down to Baz’s other hand, entwining their fingers, but he frowned when Baz choked on a cry and tore his hand away, cradling it against his chest.  _

 

_    Simon slowly took the hand in his, carefully unbending each finger. He stared at the puffy, circular lines spreading across Baz’s palm, and his eyes widened a bit.  _

 

_    Burned. He’d know a burn mark anywhere.  _

 

_    “Baz, what happened?” Simon asked again, gently lowering the injured hand, instead softly entwining his fingers with his other hand. _

 

_   “F..Father, he-he found out. About us. I-I don’t know how, but he did and-“ his breathing hitched, and Simon squeezed his hand reassuringly.  _

 

_    “He found out and, well, you can g-guess what happened next.”  _

 

_    Rage. Simon was furious.  _

 

_    “Malcolm did this?” He asked quietly, not sure if he’d heard correctly. _

 

_    Baz nodded, teeth scraping anxiously against his bottom lip.  _

 

_    “I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have woken you up. I c-could’ve handled this on my own, I-“ _

 

_    Simon tilted his head up, hand cupping Baz’s cheek, and he pressed his lips softly to Baz’s. Feather light, unsure if Baz wanted this or not.  _

 

_    Baz kissed back, the tension in his shoulders melting away. His hand gripped the front of Simon’s sweater, and Simon pulled him closer, arm wrapped protectively around his back.  _

 

_    Simon could taste the salt from his tears, and could feel the heat radiating from the mark on his face.  _

 

_    Thunder boomed. Rain pelted the umbrella balanced above them. _

 

_    They were far from okay. There’d be a lot to figure out tomorrow. But for now, Baz, both of them, were safe.  _

 

_    That’s all that mattered.  _

 

__


	16. update number: whatever i’m tired

hey woah wacky it’s been a hot minute guys, sorry for not updating. let’s get right into the explanation, shall we?

so first and foremost; I just got back from a school trip, and I wasn’t able to write on said trip.

next; I’ve been in a huge writers block, and my development of the storyline for this fic came to a screeching halt. it’s a literal train wreck at the moment, sorry guys. 

finally; some really personal things happened regarding my family. I’m not going to go into detail but it’s been rough, for me and my family. I’m not sure when i’ll update, but just know that this fic is far from over and I haven’t given up on it.

thank you to whoever has stuck around through these many hiatuses, I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know. 

ciao,

rye

**Author's Note:**

> Feed me with kudos and comments Blease, I live for them.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at dead-meme-dad  
> I'm on instagram as well! @cursedwormss


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